Teaching Compassion

Growing up I was loved and protected by a circle of strong women. My Dad and Uncles, working class men, were also very protective. They did not have much education but they knew how to love and protect their own. They understood the values that are really important in life. My childhood friends, all from similar backgrounds understood the unwritten law. We always looked out for one another.

We were not isolated from problems such as prejudice and hate, drugs and alcohol or crime and aggression. They affected us, our family members and friends. It’s just that in an environment where issues are openly acknowledged and discussed, it’s easier to understand and easier to help others manage adversity.

No one was hidden away or labeled. We understood that real life was real life. Our parents did not feel the need to pretend or sugar coat facts. They let us understand the realities of life. We never tossed people away when they faced difficulties, we always drew them in.

It wasn’t until I was a young adult, meeting people from outside my circle, that I learned, not everyone experienced life like this. Many social issues stem from a lack of love for self and others. I began to see how differently people treated each other.

Relational aggression is a form of exclusion. It can begin at a young age if children are taught to compete and to value self over others. It values the individual over everyone else. It prioritizes making themselves stand out as more socially acceptable or desirable. It is not based on equality. It’s based on competition, gathering allies to further their social goals and division.

These children learn division when they see adults power trip and demean others to “win”. It looks like rumours about someone, name calling, isolating someone, mocking someone’s culture or beliefs. It is basically damaging people’s self-esteem.

The concept is, that by making other people look bad, it will move them out of the way and clears the path for them to look good and to become a “winner”. Someone has to be superior and the other(s) inferior.

Relational aggression is often socially acceptable as it is based on the concept of winning. It is sometimes subtle and covert. The aggressors often fein concern about their targets in regard to the rumours they create. For example, I’m so worried about Jane, she fails at everything and is really doing bad things. They plant negative seeds about others in a nice way.

Sometimes it’s aggressive and pits people against each other. Again, there has to be winners and losers. If children are raised in strict, authoritative settings they will learn to lack empathy. When they have to fight to share their voice or are punished, they learn about judgement. They learned “power” is not shared and that it is authoritative.

Girls and women face many types of adversity in American society. This doesn’t just happen. Society creates channels where women are targeted, isolated and made to feel less than.

Unfortunately, a woman’s self-image may be impacted by other people if she does not have a strong support system. Again, there tends to be a focus on negative competition and authoritative control, this divides. So your children have to be prepared to meet all types of people at school or in the world. They won’t only meet ‘nice people’. Real conversations about the world and teaching your children to not take other people’s words and actions personally have to happen at home.

Males also experience relational aggression. Both males and females can experience anxiety, turn to drugs and alcohol, get angry and become depressed as a result. This is why it’s important for young people to be schooled in and understand emotional intelligence.

Awareness and a push by competent adults to openly discuss issues without judgement can shed light on solutions. The goal is to create resilient young people who become resilent adults.

Teach children about kindness and compassion. Help them to learn to practice mindfulness and not to absorb the negativity others may throw at them.

Talk about feelings, emotions and emotional intelligence. Help them to identify harmful speech and behaviors. Teach them why others may be motivated to hurt peers emotionally. Let them know it has nothing to do with them. Teach them to have compassion for people who are hurt and who try to hurt them. It helps break the cycle.

We can not change everyone but we can develop ourselves. Love yourself so much that no outside interference can get in. Set healthy boundaries and know that it’s ok to walk away from relationships with people that are not loving or offering positive support.

Competition has a place when it’s in sports, technology or in academics. Relationships are for helping each other grow and should be based on real connection, human decency and love. We are here to help each other.

Familes have to be a safe haven from the world. Keep healing each other.

We raise each other up when we share information. Communication is key. Teach young people that it’s ok to talk to you about everything and anything.

Give love ❤️

Teach love ❤️

Be love ❤️

Carolyn Nones Vazquez