Patriarchy

The interesting thing about people who participate in anti-social behavior is that they They never view it as anti-social. They consider their actions appropriate. They never consider that their behavior might be wrong. As an adult woman, I never imagined that there could be adult women who would objectify and sexualize me. I never would have believed that so many people would accept this behavior as “normal”.  That is how deeply entrenched patriarchy is.

My experience with my mom, grandmoms and women growing up has always been nurturing, supportive and loving.  My female friends and sister-in-laws have always been positive, supportive and loving.  

It never occurred to me that women would objectify other women.   When I got older I eventually met women who spread rumours about other people. I also met women who would eventually spread rumours about me. I wasn’t upset as much as I was puzzled.  I had no frame of reference for this type of behavior. 

Clearly, something was not right. I wasn’t friends with these women, did not hang out with or socialize with them, They didn’t know me on a personal level. I was kind to these women as I understood there was something wrong with the behavior.  However, in return, their aggression and hate got worse.  The rumours got worse.  I was easy, I was a cheater, I was a drunk, I had multiple boyfriends, I was garbage, they hoped I died because I deserved death. 

As I processed the full extent of their behavior, I began to understand the hate behind it.  It’s ripple effects and harm. I learned about patriarchal patterns. 

Women are often hurt within society.   The question then is why would a woman in turn denigrate other women?  Is it to protect themselves? Is it to make other women a target? To deflect verbal and physical assaults away from them?  Do they feel that if they are pro societal hate and norms they won’t be hurt?  Do they want other women to be hurt instead? 

Many women are taught to view  their bodies as something to be ashamed of or something to work on.  They have to meet a societal standard.  They were raised in a patriarchal home where men were valued over them.  If another woman was successful in any way, they had to devalue them as they themselves were not allowed to be valued.  They were loved and valued when they absorbed the patriarchal  narrative. 

Patriarchy became acceptable when power was given to people from governments and states. Sons were sent to war to protect the state.  As they were killed in battle, women were expected to have more sons who could be sent out to protect states, ownership of land and governments. Women were separated and the category of soldier/protector/ provide and caregiver created. 

The men who fought were given power over the states and others as a reward for winning battles. As a result power was divided up among males and the focus and intention became hoarding wealth, land ownership and social privilege. Inheritance laws, property purchases and transfers began to further drive patriarchy because they were male dominated. 

Men who were violent won property and wealth. Men had to be strong, violent and crude to win or they suffered and lost power. Eventually, it was not only women who were stereotyped, but also men. Those men who were non- violent, were viewed as weak or feminine.   Women who did not submit to emerging gender stereotypes, as well as people of color who did not fit these new societal norms suffered. 

Societies formed on violence, murder and theft left those legacies as acceptable, winning behaviors.  As we watch war and genocide unfold across the world, we understand that the desire to maintain social status, ownership and social order is a key driver of patriarchy. Women fall into the category of things to be maintained and owned.

Human trafficking of women and of young girls is the result of ownership concepts prevalent within societies. Girls and women are viewed as property and objects. If you can degrade someone long enough, they become nothing.   You can “own” them.

The term “I own you” is derogatory and demeaning.  It is used to signify a win or victory. It is promoted as a term to be proud of. Women are seen as property and others can claim ownership over them. They can be used for whatever purpose seen fit if she has been objectified and sexualized. This is one reason so many women go missing.

People absorb and accept patriarchal behavior because society teaches violent behavior. We tend to repeat patterns we were raised with.  If people are raised in a home where people spoke down to them and marginalized them for being female, they in turn act to marginalize others. If they want power, they learn it is gained by abusive speech and action.  The less powerful people feel the more abusive they will become.

When people feel powerless, they project to vent. They will  project the areas of their life that they have the most difficulty with. If they are talking about sexuality and objectifying others it’s because they struggle with their sexuality.  

It’s a sad fact that many women have been hurt not only by our society but also by their families.  We have an obligation to uplift girls so they feel valued and know they are important. We have the responsibility to educate to break these patterns. 

Signs in our society don’t point to things improving.  I’m not particularly political and routinely avoid political conversation.  However, when Kamala Harris was a presidential candidate, people felt the need to express derogatory sexual views about her to me. Not surprisingly,  men and women expressed misogynistic views about her. 

The ease in which hate is spread is concerning. The idea that some women or men should police other humans because they are female is beyond comprehension.  Yet, people do it.  

Our society has taught women and men to hate. People are taught that  it is acceptable to demean, abuse, monitor and control based on gender or color.  When women promote the idea that other women are “bad” you understand how little people have evolved and how far reaching patriarchal policies are. 

Society has harmed women by imposing patriarchal standards which separate women and destroy avenues of self-esteem. It pits women against others.  It is so deeply ingrained that people are unable to acknowledge that they are misogynistic. It’s not even a thought. 

It is only when more women and men begin to identify and question misogynistic views (and the damage done to women and society by them) that we can change those views.

When individuals are able to acknowledge unhealthy views, speech and behavior, they can change. That positive change will ripple out to others.

Our society can only heal and improve when we begin to question and speak out against unhealthy views and behaviors.  When we help others to understand, we help them to heal. Eliminating patriarchal patterns does not mean eliminating femininity. It means creating healthier relationships between all of us to create better societies.

Carolyn Nones Vazquez