Mean and Indecent

David Brooks recently wrote an article entitled “ How America Got Mean”. The topic has been source of conversation with friends and family, so we were intrigued to see an article on the topic. It not only gave legitimacy to our concerns, it reinforced what most of us have been experiencing for longer than it’s been legitimized. A wake up call for America to finally and consciously promote unity and civic engagement.

The last few years the sense of cohesiveness in many communities has eroded. I saw a clip this morning on Mel Robbin’s where Viola Davis spoke about loving yourself. When we love ourselves, there is no need to control others, judge others or cause harm. When we love ourselves, we care about improving and providing love to others so they can flourish as well. Perhaps one problem in America is that Americans have internalized self-loathing.

The focus in our society has shifted to self over family or community. Technology fosters separation and comparison, as does personal success to some extent. Marriage is an obligation many want no part of. People view assets and wealth as symbols of personal success. They are taught to achieve at any cost. This includes harming others.

Parents are unnecessary and can be cut off if they offer an opinion or disagree with current trends or life choices. The low birth rate indicates that people’s discretionary spending is focused on self care and not family.

Language and how we communicate to others is important for mental and societal health. Many people have normalized abusive language, profanity and even violence. We are desensitized by cancel culture.

The way we disagree or resolve conflict with those different from us matters. It’s an indicator of emotional health and intelligence. It is now commonplace to degrade others with verbal assaults when we disagree or have different beliefs. This in turn can lead to violence. Sadly, people associate abusive language and tearing others down with power and personal strength.

Many people lack self awareness. They have been told what to think and how to think. They follow online trends or social cues without question. They throw away their personal integrity to fit in. They don’t consider the fact that there may be something wrong with the emotional health of their environment. They simply follow along if the majority are doing it and if it’s popular or trendy.

While it’s sad to see people go into that rabbit hole, we have to recognize that they have been conditioned to follow along, even when they know it’s wrong to do so.

The ability to separate ourselves, think independently and not personalize behavior from others keeps us from getting pulled into darkness or harm. If you can acknowledge the affect and consequence “meanness” has on the soul, you can avoid emotional trauma by disengaging.

Mental health issues are prevalent. Depression and anxiety can result from isolation as well as participation in anti-social trends. It’s become easy to say and do “mean” things when you don’t have to be accountable for them. You can work remotely, meet people remotely and can disappear behind a screen when you want to. In person, many people simply deny what they do.

There has been a disconnect from friends, families, groups, associations and spiritual centers. Many people have no one to intervene on their behalf when they self isolate or become extreme in outlook and behavior. They are removed from appropriate social norms, corrections and behavior interventions.

A great many people have lost connection to prayer and spiritual belief. This can disconnect them from hope, inspiration and appropriate action. Religion and spirituality are different concepts. The punitive nature and financial motivations of a number of religious centers left many people disenchanted enough to flea from them.

Those who left organized religion are considered “Nones”. This group continues to grow. Nones is a term used to label people who are not affiliated with a religion. The term originated from survey’s where people indicated None when asked which religion they belonged to.

Organized religion, especially the Catholic Church, historically viewed the masses as sinful. Accusations of impropriety and sin controlled social behavior. Those who disconnected from religious groups because of their punitive nature were either left in a spiritual void or decided to embrace spirituality on their own terms.

Religious groups or persons cannot always be counted on to promote morality. Historically, mistreating people in the name of God or “to save heathens” exposed sadistic, selfish and perverted impulses amongst the clergy and church members.

Reminders of this include: The Crusade’s, Palestinian and Jewish Conflicts, The Holocaust, The Bosnian Conflict, Catholic Residential Schools for Indigenous Children, African Animism Vs. Christianity, The Taiping Rebellion, The Gujarat Riots, Christian and Muslim conflict in Nigeria and too many others to list.

These examples are not a condemnation of all religious centers or groups. However, it is an illustration of how religious ideals get distorted.

Human decency is not inate. It is taught and influenced by environment. When our society and culture start to promote unity and civics rather than competition and division we will begin to create better societies.

When we eliminate gatekeeping and start to care for people regardless of race or color, we will return to a more natural state. Our goal should be to restore humanity. It’s about unity, equality and access. People are better when they are treated well and included. “Meanness” sprung from injustice and normalized hate by institutions who were meant to uphold justice.

The unrest and “meaness” in our society is a clear sign of social and institutional failure. A return to civil education means not only a focus on civility but also a focus on equity and justice. When there is equality in terms of access to food, education, healthcare, housing and quality of life, we will demonstrate social morality as a value.

Laws to protect people are a factor and remind us of our social obligations to each other. The expectation for kindness without consequence for failure to act justly and humanely deprives wrongdoers from recognizing right path. Empathy and understanding along with correction is essential.

There are many thoughts on the state of current affairs. Fostering division as a means of control and resource allocation has led to inequity and despair. America got mean when they began to understand the hypocrisy around them. They got mean when institutions that were supposed to protect them did not. Blatant inequity goes unaddressed. People act out.

We are at a pivotal moment. Each of us must resist the pull into the darkness. We cannot allow ourselves to be distracted or baited, resist. Change depends upon all of us initiating it and creating better environments. Change depends on equity, unity and decency within ourselves as well as our institutions.

Carolyn Nones Vazquez