Sunrise

Today, I sat listening to the stories people shared about their 911 experience. I shared my own.  9/11 is here and gone, another anniversary. It is a emotional day for New Yorkers, First Responders, Americans and people all over the world who witnessed the attack.

In the years that followed, the impact and loss is no less and does not go away. Many died that day.  Many who survived that day developed cancer and respiratory issues. Most still remember the trauma and images related to the day. I was affected that day as was my family, my friends and neighbors.

My husband is now a retired first responder. He responded on 911 and was assigned on site for a year afterward. On that day and throughout his career he responded to and handled many significant challenges.

He never asks for anything and yet he gives so much. He is dependable, honest and kind.  To say he is a hard worker is an understatement.  He can hold a conversation with anyone.  He is unassuming and humble. He listens, he reads people quite well.

Years of experience, understanding the victim and the perpetrator. Learning about the complexities of life and those things that drive people to the brink. Darkness that wants to overtake us, there’s trauma that is carried.

My husband’s exterior gives no hint of the depth of his being or offers any insight into his heart.  We have both developed the blank stare that living in the city conditions you to wear.

We grew up in these neighborhoods. We understood the issues that seek to preoccupy and derail lives. We made the choice to do things differently and to be happy. We are a team.

We have always enjoyed being together.  His appreciation of the everyday endeared him to me. My husband always went out of his way to make me feel comfortable and happy.  This was especially true in the early days of our relationship. I never had to question his commitment. It was always there.

We fell into sync and into a couples routine soon after we met.  He told me he knew that we would last and that we would get married.

He took me to his favorite places and to mine.  On Thursday evenings, we would walk up the block from my house to Neir’s Tavern to listen to live music.  Sometimes we would make dinner at home, watch tv and later fall asleep together, intertwined on the couch.

The years have brought a steady stream of loss into our lives along with the happiness and love within our marriage.  I remember a motorcycle road trip to Nova Scotia to ride the Cabot Trail. We were in a pub listening to a band.  Even in this idealic setting, bad news found us.  A phone call interrupted. Another friend lost, another related to exposure. 

It’s over twenty years now and 911 still affects us.  Each year the calls come.  Unsolicited, unwanted and without warning.  Prayers and affirmations won’t keep the cancers away.

We are keenly aware of the need to show appreciation and gratitude.  I have never been one to participate in groups where there is negativity.  Daily events further serve to drive the message home, you can not waste time with people who do.

I’ve learned to say goodbye to fake friends quickly and not give them room in my life to disrupt it.  My husband, always the realist, has offered the advice of “tell them good riddance”.   He won’t waste time on people who show up as disingenuous. He will not expend energy thinking they might change or redeem themselves.

I grew up with a mom who was kind. She advocated for us to always try to find the good in people, no matter what.  My husband is quick to point out the flaws in her theory. That may work in some circles he points out, but it wont work with the majority.

We are discerning and quickly walk away from people when they create division or show hate. No good can come from anyone who wishes to do any type of harm.  We expect the best from people and understand that perhaps people have to find the good within themselves. They show up as who they are.

Life brings us many events and lessons that we do not ask for.  For first responders, they actually are asking for them. The delivery of a baby while on a call brings joy. Calls to traumatic, violent events bring trauma.  They will say “I’m just doing my job”. They repress it to keep going. They repress it to help others. So, we have to remember to be there for them.

We appreciate every small act of kindness.  We revel in the beauty of the ordinary. A simple meal at home or a walk after dinner.  My husband calls me over so we can watch the sunset. He holds my hand. We sit together in silence and understanding.

On weekends we always looked forward to being out all day.  We would ride for hours by motorcycle to small towns and through farmland.   We found hiking trails, waterfalls, streams and new roads.  We thrive immersing ourselves in the healing beauty of nature.

Spirits are revived outdoors. You reconnect to everything sacred and real. Nature heals and offers a chance to reconnect to self and to each other.

I like to point at the clouds and discuss their outlines and shapes against the blue background of the sky.  They are the most beautiful skies I’ve ever seen.  At night constellations appear to remind us heaven really does exist.

We were always a little sad going back.  Eventually, we decided to buy a place out of the city. We bought quiet, peace and escape. We dove into renovation mode, swinging hammers and brandishing paint brushes.  We showed our iphone photos of before and after to anyone patient enough to listen to our renovation stories.  We found more happiness.

We stand at the top of the  hill and look across the open land. We smile and laugh and plan.  Life won’t get away from us. We are still here.

There is not much that you in can do to ease the pain of loss. It forever lingers as does the realization that we are promised nothing.  There will be heartbreaks. Each sunrise is a gift of a new beginning. Every plan we make offers the promise of tomorrow, of hope and healing.

The heightened awareness we feel related to world events remind us of the thin line between this life and the next. We continue to see the world change. We pray for peace, for sanity, for justice, for unity. We absorb the sorrow and pain of traumatic events but continue on.

We keep going in order to have stability and to acknowledge, the gift of life. We are all everyday heroes.   After a storm we can find the beauty that exists, focus on the beauty.

The gift of life offers us just that, life. There are no promises of perfection or freedom from harm. It is our responsibility to create better environments for ourselves and others. Despite the daily news and the drama other people try bring to us, we can create circles of love.

What joy is found in the everyday.  The simple act of being and each moment shared is a gift.  There is nothing else I could want. Share kindness when you can. These storms that arrive at our doors test us. We have the ability to carry light and love where there is darkness. As long as we are here, we have the blessing of today. The sunrise brings a day full of promise.